No regrets? Maybe once.

Monday, October 23. 2006

I have, so much as possible, tried to live a life without regrets. As a result, I have given the big decisions in my life all the attention they need so that I haven't had to regret them. And once a decision has been made, I have accepted all the ugly consequences I overlooked. I believe regret distracts us from the challenge of leading a happy life.

However, there is one bundle of regrets I can't overcome. Three times in my life I've made decisions to relocate (or not relocate) from one coast to another, and three time I think I've made a mistake.

Experience makes all things relative, and what I once considered to be the fault of bad timing now seems to have been more the fault of bad judgment. When I was younger, I was impetuous and a little short-sighted. I was closed-off emotionally, focused solely on how to make myself happy. I thought I had more control over things than I actually do, and I desperatley wanted to get someplace in life I thought would make me secure.

At 31, I feel I've mostly corrected these personality flaws. Though, I feel it may be too late to make much difference. I hope I'm wrong, but how does one seriously accept that his life is only just beginning in his early 30's? How does he prevent old regrets from spawning fresh doubts?

I know now that I made some bad tactical decisions in plotting the course for my life. But it's impossible to know how the arc of seven or eight years will play out. Ironically, only at the end does someone see the full impact of missed opportunities. I look back now and wonder where things would be if I had picked an alternative course on just one of those occasions.

If I'm lucky--truly lucky--maybe I can salvage some lost time. If I'm not, then I at least hope to make a final peace with my regrets.